The other day I was watching Chris D’Elia’s Netflix special, Incorrigible, during which he brought up an incredible point. I’m going to be paraphrasing because I don’t remember the exact words, but in essence he said the following:
The biggest difference between men and women is that women don’t want to fuck some of the men, all the time. They don’t want to fuck some of the men, some of the time either. They want to fuck a few of the men, a few of the times. Men, on the other hand, want to fuck all of the girls, all of the time.
I cannot think of a better introduction for today’s topic, because that really is the core of the problem. Us guys want to have sex with pretty much anything that moves, or at least, we would have sex with pretty much anything that moves. And girls, well, they don’t.
Which, puts the two genders at a pretty large disparity when it comes to the college party scene.
Here’s where I think the disparity starts becoming a problem. So, a guy shows up at a party with his homies. What’s the number 1 thing he’s going to look for that night? That’s right, a girl to take home. Okay, perhaps that’s a little bit exaggerated, but I think that we can all agree that the thought of taking someone home is always lingering around the average college dude’s brain, even if it isn’t the primary objective.
Now, a girl shows up at party with her friends. What’s the number 1 thing she’s looking for that night?
No, dude, that’s not it, put your pants back on. Jesus Christ.
She’s looking to have fun. Just good, ole-fashioned fun. Crazy dancing with her girls, being a dab, and not giving a fuck about any of it. And to the bitterness of the average college dude’s brain, fun doesn’t always involve his dick.
I use the word “always” because hey, let’s not kid ourselves, ladies, sometimes you’re tryna as well. It just so happens that you’re up against a totally different breed of competition.
It’s like the Monstars from Space Jam versus the Looney Tunes before they got Michael Jordan, but the object of the game is not playing basketball, it’s being horny. Total mismatch.
Anyway, back to my point. So the guy and the girl show up at the party, and already there is a huge difference in objectives. One is trying to get lucky, one is trying to have fun. One thinks the fun involves a mutual necessity to have sex, the other one uses her brain.
Now, hold up, I gotta pause. I know there are some guys reading this who are already shaking their head, “Oh my god, this guy is soft as shit. Look at him just trying to side with girls because he thinks it will get him laid.”
Full disclosure: I’m no different from the guy I’ve been describing when it comes to going out/partying. I’m just here to point shit out the way I see it from my perspective. You can choose to interpret that information as you please. Also, chances are if you’re getting pissed at me, it’s probably because it applies in some way, shape, or form to the life you’ve been leading.
Okay, sorry about that. Let’s get back on track.
So, there is a guy trying to get lucky, and a girl who is potentially down to hook up with him but only if everything happens to go the right way. Do you see the problem? Do you see it Mr. Krabs?
Let me rephrase that. Assume a guy wants to hook up 10 out of 10 times he goes out. Now also assume that a girl wants to hook up 1 out of 10 times she goes out. College hook-up culture is just the result of the girl’s 1/10 times matching up with some dude’s 10/10 times.
Do you see how the whole system is fucked up now? The girl’s going to wake up the next morning thinking, “Oh em gee, he’s the one,” and the guy is going to wake up thinking, “Oh em gee, your Uber is here.”
Obviously those are made up numbers and scenarios, but use your imagination here a little. I’m just trying to get a point across, not give the ultimate dichotomy to every sexual college interaction that occurs.
Because it’s likely that the guy could have been satisfied with pretty much anyone – or at least, he had a higher number of options – whereas the girl was way more selective.
So Krato, what do we do?!
Well, the way I see it, there are a few solutions to this problem.
1. Guys suddenly become less sexually driven and decrease their 10/10 number down to a more reasonable 5/10. Unlikely.
2. Girls suddenly become more sexually driven and increase their 1/10 number up to a more reasonable 5/10. Extremely unlikely. Dudes, let’s face it, we are gross. You probably wouldn’t want you inside yourself. How’re you going to expect someone else to want that? Ew.
3. Change the way we communicate a little bit so that we don’t get stuck in a cyclical and constantly disappointing hook-up culture. (Hint: this is the right option).
I feel like we all kind of suck at communicating. Think about it, we’re so bad at communicating that one of the most common last resort we use in order to save those types of relationships is the dreaded question, “What are we?”
That’s how much we suck at communicating. Literally after we’ve performed the most intimate act that two people can partake in, we have to ask, “What are we?” That’s so whack. It’s just plain sad.
Guys, I’m not saying this is very gentlemanly, but you could start by being straight up with a girl. (Paraphrasing) “Hey, I most likely only want to fuck tonight. Yeah, no that’ll be all. Thanks.”
Again, not very classy, probably will get you rejected, but it’s better than lying about your intentions and then leading to a series of awkward conversations where you don’t know where you stand with each other.
Girls, this will also get you rejected, but you could start by being straight up with a guy. (Paraphrasing) “Hey I’m gonna let you fuck me, but only if you promise to stick around afterwards.”
Probably will get you labeled “psycho” – which, I frankly don’t understand – but at least you’ll make sure to repel the really nasty ones, like the pure, Grade A fuqbois.
If you can get past that initial stage, congrats! You’re now onto stage two. This stage includes: LEARN HOW TO FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER. HOT DIGGITY DAMN. JUST FUCKING TALK.
Literally you just need to talk. You need to talk about real shit. You need to talk about feelings. Oh god, the other dreaded word, the F word. Yes, feelings. The thing no one likes to admit they have nowadays. But you need to do it.
You need to talk about feelings because that’s what we’re losing every single day. We’re losing our ability to express ourselves, and with that ability our feelings are bound to vanish as well.
In a world dominated by soundbites, we must move beyond. Don’t allow your thoughts to be encapsulated in 140 characters. Don’t allow your emotions to be transmitted exclusively in 10 second snapchats. Don’t let texts carry the passion that your face could produce with a soundless expression.
Do more. Talk more. Express more. I really don’t understand why the majority of people tries to evade feelings. The consensus is obviously that if you open up to someone then you become vulnerable. But do you really want to let vulnerability become the unit of measure through which you experience life?
Because the fact of the matter is that every time you shield yourself from something in the hopes of avoiding negativity, you also shield yourself from the possibility of experiencing something incredible.
Every time you get in a car, there is a possibility you’ll crash. Yet, you get in anyway because the journey matters almost as much as the destination. You understand that in order to get where you want to be, you must go through that potential risk. And when it comes to cars, you’re willing to take that risk every single time.
Why not do the same thing with feelings? Every time you have a chance to meet someone and get to know them on a deeper level, there is a chance you’ll get hurt. But it’s the journey that matters. The high’s and the low’s of growing along side someone. That’s what matters. Not a heartbreak.
And for the love of god, a heartbreak heals. You will get over it. It might take a month, or it might take a year, but you will get over it. Don’t let the potential for something negative to happen dictate what you do and don’t do in life. Because the reality is, if that really was the criteria through which we base our decisions, we would never try anything. There is always the possibility of something going wrong.
But again, it’s the process that matters, not just the destination. When you make coffee in the morning you don’t stop yourself and say, “Damn, this could potentially taste like shit, why am I making it?” You just go ahead and do it! Because you don’t care that it could go wrong, you just want your damn coffee!
So my question to you is, why, out of all things, did we pick feelings to be this sort of societal taboo? If we are all looking for love – and most of us are – why are we trying to eliminate the words, thoughts, and expressions that get us there?
Ai jus don gitit.
Hope this has given you something to think about. Thanks for sticking around, this was a long one. See you next week.