What if I did a serious post for once?
Let’s give it a shot.
“In criticism, I will be bold and sternly, absolutely just, with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me.” Edgar Allan Poe
Hi, I’m Corrado. If you don’t know me well, by the end of this you will. I’m 19. I go to school. I don’t really care about it. I mean, yes I do. It’s just really not at the top of my priorities. Quite frankly though, I couldn’t tell you what’s at the top of my priorities. I question why I just didn’t go to school in Eugene or Corvallis much too often. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of things that my peers are experiencing. Last year, the girl I loved sent me a text and said, “maybe it’s time.” I said, “I didn’t think it would come to this.” And she left. I regret that day. I regret that answer. But here I am. I have a great support system, but I made a blog just so I could vent. So far my posts have only been me screaming into the wind, and I know the reason for that. I don’t want to rant continuously. I wanna share true stories. True stories about me and what really goes on in my head. But honestly, I’m afraid. I’m afraid my own friends would judge me. I’m afraid they wouldn’t wanna be friends with someone who is so emotional. I’m not trying to make this a big pity party, I swear. I’m just trying to be serious for once. I wonder how many of my usual readers are going, “oh God, why’s he doing this?” And I couldn’t really tell ya. I just hope you won’t stop reading. I hope people won’t turn away the second I stop being funny; The second I stop criticizing society and start acting like a product of it. Life lately has made me really sad. I have accepted that it’s an okay state of mind to be sad. But I haven’t really been able to get the help I need. Or at least, that I think I need. All I see is news of people tearing each other apart. Whether it’d be war or politics. Or just everything in between. From the most powerful people at the top, down to lowest of the lows. Society tears itself apart. But all I see is contentment. There is no sense of urgency anywhere. No one wants to step up to the plate to help. No one is willing to sacrifice these days. So we just watch helplessly. And in some way, shape, or form I think it is all connected. This is gonna be far fetched. But I think the same way Americans are afraid of helping refugees, I am afraid of opening up in a public forum. There is absolutely no imminent threat in doing either. But what if I’m wrong about both? Then, in that case, everything comes crumbling down. So rather than take that risk of opening up – whether that’d be to ourselves or to others – we just keep everything locked in. We suppress our feelings of helplessness through either anger or humor. Politicians choose anger. On my blog, I choose humor. But at the end of the day, I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of admitting that I want love. Not because it’s necessary for my happiness. But because I’m trying to fill a void. A void that a girl left in me and that I can’t seem to convince my brain to let go of. And nothing else seems to get the job done. They tell me to move on and just do me. So I do, but not exactly. I put on a mask. I hide behind my opinions. I take cover behind my rants. I uphold the very things that make me afraid of sharing about myself – society’s values – by pointing out their flaws, knowing that no one will do anything to change those flaws, thus giving me unlimited space to hide in. In case you can’t tell by now, yeah I have a problem. I can’t get over a high school relationship. Judge me. But I think there is more truth to that than any other of the supposed “truths” that I have talked about so far. I’ve had some friends read over this post. Some of them told me, “You know I don’t think it’s such a good idea for you to go and admit that kind of stuff in public.” And any other time I’d probably agree with them. But what’s the point of being truthful if I can’t face the biggest reality in my life right now: I’m letting a fucking high school relationship determine the way I think. But I don’t have a problem admitting that. What’s the point of me preaching about “you shouldn’t care what people think” if I can’t tell you the thing about me that currently drives 90% of my emotions? Many of you probably just lost a lot of faith in me, some of you may have gone “aww” at some point, others may just be face palming at this entire post. But I can say with a certain level of pride that I don’t give a shit. And that is the most serious shit that I haven’t given on this blog. You didn’t see this on your Facebook feed. It wasn’t forced on you. There was no reason for you to read this whatsoever. But you did. Perhaps because you wanted to see just how much I could embarrass myself. Perhaps because you had a legitimate interest in hearing what I had to say. Either way, now you know more about Krato than you did 5 minutes ago. A lot more. And you know an accurate version. I know that probably next year at this time I’ll be a completely different person, so none of this will matter. But I also know that when I look back 10 years from today, if someone were to ask me, “what were you doing at 19 years old?” My truthful answer would be: getting over the girl who broke my heart. Everyone loves saying, “just be yourself, everyone else is taken,” but that only remains true to a certain degree. If you cross that line, then all of a sudden you’re too yourself, and that’s not good either. Like me with this blog post. I know there is somebody – there has to be someone – who’s reading this that’s going, “omg I wonder what that girl would think about this,” and I don’t mean to ruin all your fun, but she already knows all of this. Some of you may also be thinking, “How did this go from, I’m 19. I go to school. I don’t really care about it, to a conversation just about your feelings?” I’ll tell you how that happened. I was truthful about myself for once. So now we’re on the same page. From writer to reader, every post from now on, you know exactly where my head lies. I won’t stop doing my usual posts because of what I talked about today. It is not the entirety of my character. It is not all I am and all I ever think about. But it’s a huge chunk of me that I think you should know about if you read my blog. I have one more rhetorical question to ask before I go. And it isn’t to sound cocky, rather to protect myself from incoming criticism. I just let you in on the one thing that keeps me up sometimes, would you be willing and able to share yours?